The Stages of Grief: Honoring the Uniqueness of Grief

Measuring grief in a way that is tangible and authentic 

Having spent years supporting grief groups, I've seen how valuable it is to reassure people that their feelings are valid. The reality is that 99% of the time, what someone is experiencing is perfectly normal, even if it doesn't match a textbook definition or societal expectation. So why do we keep trying to fit our grief into neatly labeled models that don’t fit? And do these predefined models really help us grieve? 

Let’s dive in.

Introduction

Grief is a deeply personal and multifaceted experience. We all have our own experiences, thoughts, feelings and opinions—we are unique and so is our grief.

Grief models aim to provide a framework for people to understand their experiences, thoughts, feelings and opinions. When our grief can be labeled and placed within a framework it offers reassurance and a feeling of validation. 

But if we are all unique, and our grief is unique, can our grief truly be captured accurately by these models? Do we all fit a model? And what if we don’t?

The Purpose of Grief Models

As a Grief Counselor, I often turned to grief models to help me understand the complexities of bereavement and the emotions someone might be experiencing. These models gave me a foundational perspective and a framework that I could lean on as a facilitator, especially when navigating such a sensitive and overwhelming time.

The most widely recognized models are the Five Stages of Grief and the Dual Process Model. The Kübler-Ross model outlines five emotions—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—that people may move through after a sudden loss. On the other hand, the Dual Process Model introduces the idea of two types of stressors: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented. This model suggests that grieving is a dynamic process, where individuals oscillate between confronting and avoiding the pain of loss as they cope.

Both models, along with many others, provided structure and reassurance to me and the participants in my groups. They offered a way to make sense of grief when everything felt messy and chaotic. For family members and friends, these models also provided insight into what their loved ones might be experiencing, making it easier to offer support.

But over time, I started to question how much these models truly captured the uniqueness of each person’s grief. What if someone’s experience didn’t fit neatly into these stages or categories? How could I rely on them when no two grief journeys are the same?

The Limitation of Grief Models

Grief is not a one-size-fits-all; no model can fully capture someone’s unique experience. Because grief isn’t something to be measured—it’s something to be felt, expressed, and honored in whatever way is most true to the person experiencing it.

As a Grief Facilitator, one experience stands out that truly demonstrated the uniqueness of grief, and how the models we use can't fully capture each person's experience. A woman in her 80s had just lost her husband of many decades, and many assumed she would be devastated by the loss of love, companionship, and a lifetime of shared memories. During a group session for open sharing, she surprised us all when she revealed that she wasn't sad at all. Instead, she spoke of the difficulties in her marriage, describing her husband as a monster and their relationship as terrible. Rather than mourning the loss, she expressed gratitude that he was gone.

At that moment, a woman in her 90s who had lost her adult grandson looked her straight in the eyes and said, "Oh honey, you're just a baby."

This exchange taught me the importance of avoiding assumptions—grief is as individual as we are. What could have been a heavy and heartbreaking moment gained an unexpected lightness as this woman, who had spent her entire adult life feeling like a prisoner, was offered a small glimpse of hope.

Grief Process: Validation and Reassurance

After years as a Grief Counselor, I came to realize that what people experiencing loss truly need isn’t a model or a set of stages to fit into—it’s someone who will listen and validate their unique journey.

When I first started, I relied on models and stages to try to make sense of each person’s grief. I thought it would help me understand their experience and guide my support. But often, those conversations felt empty and incomplete. Instead of creating connection, I found myself feeling like I wasn’t making meaningful progress, and I’m sure I wasn’t alone in that.

That’s when I decided to change my approach. I let go of the frameworks, the stages, and the textbooks, and began approaching each conversation with an open heart and mind. I simply listened. I allowed people to share their stories, express their emotions, and I made sure to validate what they were going through. Almost immediately, I felt a deeper connection with my grief group. People opened up more, they shared freely, and they kept coming back. Trust had been built, not through structure, but through genuine listening and validation.

Grief is deeply personal and subjective—it cannot be neatly measured or contained.

Grief as an Authentic, Individual Journey

Grief isn’t something that can be measured or neatly categorized into stages. It’s deeply personal, and trying to fit it into a framework often falls short of capturing the complexity of our emotions. Each person’s experience of loss is unique, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

This concept can be challenging to grasp, as I learned firsthand in my experience as a Grief Counselor. However, when we come to accept that everyone grieves differently, we open the door to greater acceptance and a sense of belonging—two essential elements that support the healing process.

If you are looking to gain more tools, insight and perspective to help you process your grief, or support those grieving, I encourage you to explore our Grief Support Specialist Training. It offers guidance on how to honor each individual’s grief journey without being confined by models or timelines. It is a resource to empower yourself and others, and is designed for individuals who possess a strong sense of empathy and compassion.

Remember to embrace the uniqueness of your grief and give yourself permission to feel whatever arises. Your journey is yours alone, and that is where its true beauty lies.

At Empowered Inc., we’re here to walk alongside you, offering guidance and a community of understanding as you continue on your path toward healing. Reach out to us at [email protected], and let us support you in this journey.