Grieving and Control: Why Holding on Won't Heal You

When life feels like it’s slipping through your fingers, do you grip tighter?

It’s an instinctive response—we lose one thing, so we cling to another. We grasp for control, hoping it will steady us. And in many ways, it works. We keep moving. We go to work, cook meals, care for others, check off our to-do lists. We convince ourselves we’re “okay.”

But are we?

I recently read about the difference between an open and closed mindset. An open mindset allows for curiosity, presence, and creativity—whereas a closed mindset is task-driven, hurried, and rigid. In grief, we often retreat into a closed mindset, focusing on what we can control: routines, responsibilities, distractions. 

It helps us function. But it also keeps us from healing.

True healing requires space. It requires curiosity, a willingness to sit with discomfort rather than outrun it. When we allow ourselves that space, we begin to see grief not as something to control, but as something to move through—a part of who we are, woven into our experience.

And in that openness, healing begins.

What is a Closed Mindset? 

The way of the world is hurried. It moves fast, and we’re often led to believe that the busier we are, the more productive—and therefore, the more successful—we become. Productivity is measured in achievements: workout more, feel better. Read more, know more. Do more, be better.

But this constant striving can be overwhelming and deeply dysregulating. We find ourselves not just struggling to fit everything into our day, but also questioning whether we’re doing any of it well.

To keep up, we develop coping mechanisms—ways to function in a world that never slows down. We become task-oriented, prioritizing checklists over presence. Over time, this response becomes ingrained. Our minds close off to the subtle intricacies of daily life. We disconnect. We lose the space to simply be.

A closed mindset isn’t just a habit—it’s a survival mechanism. 

But in grief, survival isn’t the same as healing.

What is an Open Mindset? 

An open mindset requires both space and time. While they may seem similar, they serve distinct roles in the healing process.

1. Space is the openness that allows for thought, reflection, and curiosity. It fosters growth, creativity, and learning.
2. Time is the structure that makes space possible—it must be intentionally set aside, like a prerequisite for healing.

Both are essential.

To heal, we must be intentional with our time, setting boundaries that create space for personal inquiry. Slowing down allows us to acknowledge our loss, sit with our emotions, and begin the process of deep self-reflection.

An open mindset stands in contrast to a hurried life. It invites us to pause, creating the conditions for healing to unfold.

How to Create Space When Grieving 

Creating space while grieving is an act of self-compassion. 

It’s a way to step out of survival mode and allow yourself the time and openness needed for healing. But in a world that constantly demands productivity, making space can feel counterintuitive—even uncomfortable. 

Here’s how to begin:

1. Set Boundaries Around Your Time

Healing requires slowing down. When our schedules our full, or our mind is consumed, grief builds behind the scenes waiting for a moment to erupt. 

Protecting small moments for yourself—whether it’s five minutes of stillness in the morning or an entire afternoon away from obligations—creates the foundation for reflection and processing. Say no when you need to. Let go of unnecessary pressures. Give yourself permission to heal.

2. Take 5 Mindful Minutes

Mindfulness isn’t about fixing grief; it’s about making room for it. 

Set aside 5 minutes a day to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings without judgement or expectation. Try to allow yourself to be with yourself. It may be grief that presents, or other emotions. 

3. Limit Distractions

It’s easy to numb grief with busyness—scrolling endlessly on your phone, filling every free moment with work, or avoiding quiet time altogether. But healing happens in the stillness. Try reducing distractions, even in small ways. Turn off notifications, create tech-free moments, or sit in silence for a few minutes each day.

4. Make Space in Your Environment

The spaces we inhabit influence our internal state. Decluttering, lighting a candle, or simply designating a peaceful corner for reflection can create a physical environment that supports emotional healing. Sometimes, stepping into nature—a wide-open space—can also shift perspective and provide a sense of expansiveness.

5. Allow Yourself to Feel Without Judgment

Creating space isn’t just about time and environment—it’s also about emotional permission. 

Grief is unpredictable, and it doesn’t follow a timeline. Some days, you might feel deeply reflective; other days, you might need distraction. Both are okay. The key is to allow yourself to experience what arises without forcing, fixing, or suppressing it.

Space isn’t something you find—it’s something you create. And in that space, healing has room to unfold.

Looking for more?

Empower yourself and empower others by enrolling in our Grief Support Specialist training. Our program is a beacon of hope for those navigating the complexities of grief and loss. 

This training is designed for individuals who possess a strong sense of empathy and compassion, and have a genuine desire to support others through difficult times. It is ideal for those who are working or interested in working in the mental health and counseling or coaching field.